On the day I moved from the city the morning dawned grey and cloudy. I expected mist at the hour I left out down the curving mountain road on the nearly three hour drive that would take me to my city home for the last time. But all was quite not even the stars in sight; just a cold wind whistling through the brown leafless trees. I’d driven twenty minutes, frequently using my brakes, before I met the first other vehicle, although there were a few more the closer I got to an hour and to the highway. At that hour, there were mainly trucks on the road as I kept my focus on the roads while occasionally glancing at the horizon waiting for the sun to stretch its fingers over the mountains, but it never did.
My tasks completed, I stood on the platform in the frigid air awaiting the announcement that would signal the approach then arrival of my train. Having given up my car, I had time to survey the scenery as we sped past mist-hugging snow-dotted mountains and empty rice fields, villages and towns. These were my focus instead of the goodbyes I’d said and texted, thoughts of the unknown and new experiences, and of the guilt that’s been trying to squeeze it’s way into my heart in recent days. I know better so I pray. I didn’t know the situation so I cannot blame myself. I can only learn from it, be thankful for the outcome I know and move on.
If you’ve read my posts, particularly around the start of the year, you’ll know that sometimes I’ve mentioned a neighbor I’ve never met or seen though I’ve always suspected someone lived next door or at least visits. Turns out that when I thought my neighbor visited that was actually my neighbor’s health care professional. And when the pipes burst over the New Years after the cold and snow and I thought my neighbor would have a huge bill, it was actually a sick neighbor.
Now I don’t know the details- not that I could share them anyways since it’s not my business – and I can not talk about what I don’t know, but it does appear that he or she was bedridden all this time. I’ve never heard movements or noise or even seen the curtains move and when the light was on it seemed to have stayed that way night and day for days. I only knew someone was sick and in the apartment next to mine separated by a wall, only a wall, a door I passed twice nearly every day, when the ambulance turned up.
I’d gotten there to find two cars in the driveway blocking my path but my friends and I parked in available spaces and began loading things into the car. I thought nothing except that my neighbor had arrived. When the ambulance drove past our driveway I merely glanced out the opened window until I noticed someone directing it as it reversed in. After many minutes went by, a stretcher was brought out with a blanket covering most of it and I couldn’t see a head peeking out from where I was, which was probably what got me. It flashed across my mind that my neighbor had passed away next door and I had not known. Thankfully, that was not the case and the neighbor left in the ambulance alive though to what degree I do not know.
Reclining here writing and thinking that all this time I didn’t know right beside me someone was stuck in bed, I know I can not blame myself or feel guilty. I believe had I known and had there been an opportunity to help that I would have. I just wonder what else is in front of me that I’m not seeing? I’ve just started a new walk into a new experience and am faced with many unknowns. What will I not see? How can I be more perceptive, more aware, more alert and open to the opportunities around? I guess I’d better clean my glasses.
Let’s talk life. 