Needed: sight but not just for my eyes

On the day I moved from the city the morning dawned grey and cloudy. I expected mist at the hour I left out down the curving mountain road on the nearly three hour drive that would take me to my city home for the last time. But all was quite not even the stars in sight; just a cold wind whistling through the brown leafless trees. I’d driven twenty minutes, frequently using my brakes, before I met the first other vehicle, although there were a few more the closer I got to an hour and to the highway. At that hour, there were mainly trucks on the road as I kept my focus on the roads while occasionally glancing at the horizon waiting for the sun to stretch its fingers over the mountains, but it never did.

My tasks completed, I stood on the platform in the frigid air awaiting the announcement that would signal the approach then arrival of my train. Having given up my car, I had time to survey the scenery as we sped past mist-hugging snow-dotted mountains and empty rice fields, villages and towns. These were my focus instead of the goodbyes I’d said and texted, thoughts of the unknown and new experiences, and of the guilt that’s been trying to squeeze it’s way into my heart in recent days. I know better so I pray. I didn’t know the situation so I cannot blame myself. I can only learn from it, be thankful for the outcome I know and move on.

If you’ve read my posts, particularly around the start of the year, you’ll know that sometimes I’ve mentioned a neighbor I’ve never met or seen though I’ve always suspected someone lived next door or at least visits. Turns out that when I thought my neighbor visited that was actually my neighbor’s health care professional. And when the pipes burst over the New Years after the cold and snow and I thought my neighbor would have a huge bill, it was actually a sick neighbor.

Now I don’t know the details- not that I could share them anyways since it’s not my business – and I can not talk about what I don’t know, but it does appear that he or she was bedridden all this time. I’ve never heard movements or noise or even seen the curtains move and when the light was on it seemed to have stayed that way night and day for days. I only knew someone was sick and in the apartment next to mine separated by a wall, only a wall, a door I passed twice nearly every day, when the ambulance turned up.

I’d gotten there to find two cars in the driveway blocking my path but my friends and I parked in available spaces and began loading things into the car. I thought nothing except that my neighbor had arrived. When the ambulance drove past our driveway I merely glanced out the opened window until I noticed someone directing it as it reversed in. After many minutes went by, a stretcher was brought out with a blanket covering most of it and I couldn’t see a head peeking out from where I was, which was probably what got me. It flashed across my mind that my neighbor had passed away next door and I had not known. Thankfully, that was not the case and the neighbor left in the ambulance alive though to what degree I do not know.

Reclining here writing and thinking that all this time I didn’t know right beside me someone was stuck in bed, I know I can not blame myself or feel guilty. I believe had I known and had there been an opportunity to help that I would have. I just wonder what else is in front of me that I’m not seeing? I’ve just started a new walk into a new experience and am faced with many unknowns. What will I not see? How can I be more perceptive, more aware, more alert and open to the opportunities around? I guess I’d better clean my glasses.

Learning as I go

In the last few weeks I have not written anything here. In a sense, it has been on purpose. During this time I’ve made a few speeches and written a few farewells but beyond that, outside of my personal journal, I’ve not written. I usually write to express myself and talk about what’s happening so I don’t keep things bottled inside. Talking or writing also helps me better examine things and see parts I’d not have noticed otherwise. I also write to share knowledge and ideas, and because I like talking/writing sometimes.

In the two weeks I neglected to write here, I’ve had to deal with my thoughts. I know not everything is good to be said even if they are thought and not every thought is worth considering. Hence, I’ve kept to myself while I deal with things my way. Some of those discarded thoughts were on various little things and annoyances that happened and my mind raced off thinking of how I would put them all on paper. Writing would have been a good way to process and move on but in cases like those thinking of writing and the words I’d use was usually enough.

Rather than expend energy on certain things I prefer to see the humor and lessons in them. If I quit complaining a bit and examine logically and truthfully my experiences then many times I can see where I went wrong, that some things are not worth pursuing, and the value of waiting or being quite a bit. Also, I can see the interesting things I can learn from and about the people around me. Many times I may wonder about certain things or people but keep my concern to myself, which can be good, but not always. Think on it, what’s a smile if it’s not shared; why discard valuable things when your friend could benefit if you spoke to each other.

So I’m learning. I don’t always get it right but I’m trying. Just like people tend to advise not to post things for the sake of posting but be considerate, I’m telling myself the same thing with writing. After all, what I write can hurt or harm and I have to be careful of my motives. Pushing the “post” button from a place of anonymity is easy but I still have to live with myself and be responsible for what I put out there. So, until I next write, I’ll be here learning to live wisely and find the humor and lessons in life’s everyday experiences.

Disaster Drill Observations

I’ve seen and participated in a few disaster and evacuation drills over the years but mostly since coming here. Some are done on a wider scale involving actual agencies that would need to be involved in a real emergency. Others have included those officials showing residents how to use things like fire extinguishers, how to inform others of the disaster or emergency situation, and so on. The best one, well if I can say that about a disaster drill, was one in a nearby city where there was a huge drill. It included helicopters dousing ‘fires’, fire trucks on display, health officials giving talks, a translation workshop for foreigners, displays of equipment and survival tool and advice. Another good one involved the military and fire fighters displaying their disaster readiness for the mayor’s inspection.

Recently, I participated in a small scale evacuation exercise. Here are some of my thoughts. Well, this might not be a thought but I was wondering what would happen if an actual disaster occurred during the disaster drill. Keep in mind that I don’t speak the language here well enough so some things obviously would miss me and some things would not be shared with me. That being said, half of the people in my building would likely have needed emergency medical support. First, the alarm went off, then there was an announcement about there being a disaster situation in the building and to wait calmly (I think they said calmly) for further information. About a minute later, we got the information to evacuate and this was done with everyone in two lines!!

As I walked behind my group, I knocked on some of the walls and sure enough, a lot of the times, it was not concrete that I was touching. I didn’t see any of the staff going towards the disaster area for any checks or to try minimize possible damage, but since there is a language issue and I don’t know what arrangements they had in place I’ll hold my thoughts on that. Outside of that, it was cold!! Maybe about a quarter of everyone had on an actual winter jacket. The rest of us would have had issues with the cold – and we were in the assembly hall, not outside in the cold and drizzle. We would also have lost everything since we left it all behind while we ‘escaped’.

The person beside me was cold but keeping it together while the various persons commented on the good job everyone had done in following directions and sharing information on actual past disasters and the importance of being alert. I was dressed more warmly than her but I was cold and my ears were freezing. But as I listened to one speaker I thought about a disaster about eight years ago that happened in March that year. It was still snowing then. Not only did the people endure an earthquake, but they also experienced a tsunami and had to flee the threat of radiation. Many have never been able to go back to their homes. Some lost their loved ones, moved to different places, or are still living in what was meant as temporary housing. Thankfully, some have moved back home.

Though I was not there and may never hear the stories firsthand, I can imagine. There have been numerous other disasters around and many lives have been lost or affected as a result. The worse disaster I’ve been in was a hurricane. With global warming I believe there will be many other disasters but these drills are meant to prepare me. If I can avoid a disaster then sure but if not, at least I’m a bit prepared, even if I keep neglecting to make an emergency kit.

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There was a time when I used to see myself standing in a field of wild flowers, some towering above me. In those fields the flowers were a light pink like cotton candy. Now I think on it, I wonder if some were not also white. Their slender stems rose above my head reaching for the puffy white clouds dotting the clear blue sky. I was never lost in that field. It was my happy place. Maybe one day I’ll actually see a field like that.

There was also a time I saw myself walking in a daze across a green field towards the cliffs. Always it would be the same. A daze, being caught up in a thick mist coming from behind me and rolling towards the cliffs. Sometimes it would carry me to the very edge overlooking the water below crashing on the rocks. It has held me in suspension at the very edge and I’ve seen myself leaning over as if falling. In all the time I used to see that version of myself I’ve seen me fall, only unable to control what was happening or prevent it in any way.

I know where I’ve been even if only in my mind. I’ve chosen to live consciously, in the light. I’ve chosen to be a light because I’ve glimpsed the alternative from a far; because the Light gives life and I want to live; because my purpose is to shine HIS light and help others; and because I have hope I can share. I know how the story ends and that I’m safe with HIM. While I’m here I wait, I live, and I avail myself so HE can use me for HIS glory. I’m awake.

Today I saw me. I wrote, read a Scripture and I prayed. I got stronger. I became calm again. HE’s got me. All will be well. All is well. I wait.

Dreams and Hope

I remember a poem from my high school days that talked about dreams. It asked what happened to unfulfilled dreams. There were two options I think of what may happen. The first, if I remember correctly, was a comparison to a syrupy sweet that had been in the sun. As to the second, well, I’d have to revisit the words of Langston Hughes to find out. At the moment there’s only a Scripture verse from Proverbs stuck in my mind replacing the end of the poem. It says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Dreams are important but I guess I don’t have to tell anyone that, or at least I shouldn’t have to. Do you have dreams and goals you’re working on? As I’m writing I’m thinking of children born in circumstances where there is a seemingly never ending cycle of chaos and poverty. Children who have never seen that there is a different world just beyond the place they call home. Do they have dreams and hope? How would those dreams compare to those of other children who only know the definition of poverty but have been shielded from it.

What about the people in our neighborhoods or those we pass on the roads in our haste to get about our lives and live our dreams. How about those children in the orphanage a few blocks away or those on the children’s ward in our local hospital? I’m even thinking of the elderly people there too. And while I’m at it, how about the very people we live with. Are we so busy in our lives that we may actually be missing out on what’s in front of us?

I’ve heard it said that we came into the world with nothing and we will leave with nothing. But what if we are born with dreams and hope and what if we eventually die with our dreams because they went unfulfilled and ran over like that syrupy sweet. What if each time we missed out and our hope began to fade our very lives were fading too. How can we see fading dreams and dying hope in ourselves and others? And do we have a minute to care?

… And a time to share

I have often heard the saying that it’s not always what we say but how we say it that matters. This can be so true and I’ve learned part of that by some of my own life experiences. Sometimes it’s challenging to remember that in the heat of the moment or when you’re relaxed and just chilling with friends and have your guard down. Other times it might not be information that you can share or feel comfortable sharing that is being required of you and you have to think quickly about what to share, how much and in what tone.

This last part has been my concern lately. I am trying to be mindful of what I share, when, with whom, where and so on. It turns out that sometimes my mouth gets to flying as if it has a mind of its own and by the time my brain catches up it’s already too late. Thankfully, it has been nothing really important and it was only about my own business. I almost had to give information on something I’m planning but got saved because rather than waiting on my answer a second question was asked and so I made a choice which of the questions to answer.

What I say has also been a concern because there are times when not everything can be repeated or shared with just anyone. Certain dreams and goals have to be nurtured and kept safe from prying eyes and inquisitive ears. They have to be kept safe so you don’t get overwhelmed by other people’s comments and ideas or discouraged by other people’s thoughts and feelings about your abilities, timing, jealousy, or their insecurities. But in the meantime, while your dreams are covered in the soil, being watered and hoped on, if you don’t see growth and if you can’t talk to someone about it, it can all feel isolating and a bit much.

Deciding what to share, when, with whom and the reason for sharing can really make a difference in how we see things and what happens in life. Sure we all need people in our lives but balance and proper caution are necessary. There will be hiccups and other people may question your level of trust in them but at the end of the day it’s your call. Know the value of your dream and that it may cost you a lot. There may be different routes to get there but don’t let it be that your own actions or inactions aborted your own dream. Believe. Work hard and smart towards it, treasure and protect it and stick with it until it becomes a reality.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12

An Angel Without Wings

In a Christmas movie I saw recently, an neighbor and friend told the little girl that on earth, Angels wear their wings inside. Whether this is true or not I honestly don’t know. What I know is that there are times when we are told by a voice inside to do something, say something to someone or simply be somewhere at a particular time. If we obey, then we can be sure things will work out well even if we don’t always understand.

Over the weekend I decided to do something spur of the moment: downsize by two items. I had not thought of it before and had never done it before so I went online to read. Having acquired some information, I got my items and headed to the store. Surprisingly I believe I was very calm until I got there so I took a few seconds to look around before I caught the eyes of a staff member and went over. I was in the process of using my best language skills, and even a translation app, to explain what I intended to do but I could see how things were already not going well. Then, an Angel came by.

I did not ask her name or anything about her nor did I offer any information about myself. She translated well for me and waited around until the entire process, which took about twenty minutes, was complete. Since I only smiled and thanked her a few times rather than taking a minute to ask about her, I don’t know how she came to be there at that time or why she took time to learn English. Whatever was her motivation to learn and why ever she came to the store at exactly that time, I’m grateful.

It’s not that I couldn’t understand the store staff but rather that I was struggling to respond but my Angel made everything so much easier by being there. I’ve had other Angels turn up for me in my life. Sometimes I don’t recognize the blessing they help provide until the moment has passed. I am thankful to God for providing his Angels on earth to help me. I wonder if one day I too can be an angel to someone else in need. Until then, I’ll keep learning to live my best life and to recognize the everyday Angels I meet.

Winter Skies

There is something about the winter sky that commands my attention. Actually, I honestly enjoy spending a few minutes or seconds sometimes to look at and admire the sky throughout the year. There’s something so wonderful about the changes at both dawn and around sunset. The blues, oranges, pinks, and even grey seem to paint their mesmerizing colors on the clouds as they dance across the sky before they change right before my eyes.

It’s all fascinating to me but there’s something interesting about the winter sky though I’ve not yet been able to think of why it seems so different. Maybe it’s because the mountains are all covered in a white robe and I can see the shapes of them without their leafy green tree coverings. Perhaps it’s that I’m farther from the equator and I feel closer to the sky . Whatever it is, I enjoy looking out my window and looking up.

It’s a bit strange now to look back and think how uneasy I had been about this winter before it began. Sure, I was facing the unknown since this is my first winter in this particular location but I should not have given it so much thought. I have complained (sorry Lord) about the slower commute but I didn’t go into negative thoughts or turn to worrying over winter. I did say – a few times too many perhaps – that I didn’t know what to expect. But, in the end I simply prayed and stepped on to the path that was unknown and kept moving forward until it became known.

I guess in a sense winter has reminded me that there is a time to stop and make sure I strip away anything that would cause me not to be my true self or that would hinder me from reaching my full potential. It also invites me to rest for a while, to feed myself and take care of my ‘me’ so that when the spring arrives I can emerge like new leaves. I will be ready to give and grow and share my beauty, flowers and shade with others. After all, we can’t give from empty vessels. There has to be a time to refill and that’s what winter is or can be. Thanks for reading.

‘Rain’ and my life

Until about a few minutes ago I was set on writing only about the water bill my neighbor is going to get but now I’ve changed my mind. I have something else to write on. Welcome to my life and Happy New Year!

First, that water situation. Three days ago I thought I heard rain. After two days of snow I’d dug out a path and shoveled some snow but resisted the urge to build a little snowman. So when I heard rain I checked my weather app, saw ‘snow showers’ and thought of the missed chance to build a snowman. It likely would have looked more like a monster but isn’t it funny how we miss things (and people) when they are gone yet sometimes take them for granted when they are here. Later when I went to make dinner I still heard the rain but then I noticed a strange noise and that’s when I knew something was wrong.

The rest of that story has me thinking about the sort of neighbor I am. I’ve never met this neighbor and don’t think anyone actually lives there though I’m sure there are things inside. It turns out that the cold from the days of snow (or some such explanation – I don’t speak the language here well enough) caused some pipes to burst. This one seems connected to the water heater box thing outside. After trying to call around for help, including to someone in charge of housing and even an interpreter I know, I finally called my immediate supervisor who made some calls. In short, no, I don’t want to touch those pipes. They are old and cold and me even looking too hard at them could cause more issues. And no, I don’t want to pay the charges and have my neighbor reimburse me later. I’ve never seen or heard the neighbor. Me agreeing to pay seems like the only way to get the relevant company out to fix things. Genuinely sorry, but no, so that ‘rain’ is still falling and I feel badly.

It may be this situation that’s adding to my feeling or maybe it’s simply being home for many days and realizing that although I want to change some things in my life, it’s not yet time. So how do I make proper and productive use of this meantime that I’m in? A few minutes ago when I decided to write I had been dealing with a thought or rather a memory. You see, about eight or nine years ago I had been offered a clear vacancy job which I don’t think anyone understood why I declined. It was this memory that came back and had me wondering where I’d be today had I taken it. I think I’d have gone the predictable route of work, church, home and perhaps even family and home ownership. I doubt I would be right here today.

You see, back then, life was mapped out a certain way. People in my surroundings did high school then college or university, worked then got married, got a mortgage, and had a child or two. Even before I left, people were beginning to look at me and ask if I wasn’t going to get married. Even when I went back to visit I got asked if I hadn’t found anyone. Can you see now why even though I think it’s almost time to return there and to resurrect some of my dreams I’d be uncomfortable to do so? I’m fine the way I am. I’m not being picky or even hiding, just learning about myself and doing my best to live life the best I can. I think I had to get away to learn and grow and become better and more appreciative of the person I am.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. And I don’t have any clear plans – as yet. I know though that I’ll be all right in time. There are still so many things I don’t know and places I’ll never see but I came here and now I can see better. I may not be the wonderful neighbor I am to be or even be walking in my fullest potential but each day you’ll see me putting one foot in front of the other and getting up when I fall. I know God’s got me. He’s got you too. Best wishes for the new year and thanks for reading!!

UPDATE:

The water situation has been dealt with, thank God 🙏 and I had nothing to do with it. 😀

Going to live abroad? – Before you do…

Recently, I wrote about some job opportunities abroad. Whether you read my post or you found information elsewhere and will be going to work or even study abroad, preparation is key. While I can understand the feelings of nervous excitement about such an undertaking and all the benefits of independence, self-growth and adventure, I urge you to pause a bit. During this pause, I would like to share some of my ideas on things I believe are important when living abroad that should be worked on before setting out.

I have often mentioned research. Today, I’m saying research the culture. Find out what percentage of the population share the same religion and ethnicity as you and if you’ll be able to find churches (places of worship in your religion) or people that look like you in your new city. It’s important to have ideas of how you will be able to maintain your spiritual health when away from your own culture and usual setting. Similarly, think about whether you will be comfortable being the only one in your new town that looks like you. If there are not many people in your city or town from your part of the world, depending on where you are, here are some things to consider.

Can you make your favorite meals? Will the necessary ingredients or good substitutes be easy to find at reasonable prices? Chances are you’ll have no problem if the cultures are similar, if there are many people from your culture living there, or if your country is close in proximity or ties to where you’re going. If you have doubts at all or if you aren’t familiar with the kitchen, please learn to cook at least three easy dishes before you leave home. Having your favorite meals can help when you start missing home.

Another thing, but which is only applicable to some people, surrounds the matter of your hair. Yes, I’m being serious. Think about the products and brands you use at home. Will you be able to get these easily in your new country? If you’re into hair extensions, relaxers, weaves etc, depending on your new location, these may either be super expensive or nonexistent. Learning to do simple styles with your hair before you leave home may be a good idea. Consider also that lotions, moisturizers, shades of certain makeup products and other personal care products may not be readily available in your brands. Switching to those in your new country, online shopping or asking your family to send you things may be your options around this issue.

A further suggestion would be to check luggage restrictions and also prohibited items. Pack supplies to last about two or three months. This will allow time for you to explore and find either the same brands or similar ones. As for clothes and shoes, try not to take the whole wardrobe with you. After all, there’ll be stores where you’re going and you’ll acquire things while you’re there. Think about shipping certain items also. If you take certain medications make sure to pack both the supplies you have and your prescriptions. Don’t forget your documents and an empty lightweight bag – just in case you need to move around some of your luggage during transit.

All the best in your decision making. If you’re traveling through different airports, make sure you have the correct documents to transit and try to be on time for your flight. Have an open mind and don’t burn the bridges behind you.