Forever (or how ever long)

Strangers we were, friends we became

Life was happy, always there you were

Never saw it, didn’t sense the change

You wanted more, engaged we became

Time flew by and love grew stronger

The sun rose, the winds blew gently

The birds sang, the flowers bloomed

This love, is this love really

Your vows and mine, with honesty said

Friends and family witness our memories

We saw this coming, we sensed the change

Time flew by but our love it remained

The sun shined, the winds blew stronger

The birds sang, the blooms stayed on

Young love it grows, sees hope and changes

How long is forever, no end they say

Trials came, disagreements too

Held hands and prayed, we found the way

They saw it coming, they sensed the change

Time flew by but our love never aged

The sun shined, the winds grew fierce

The birds sang, the blooms stayed on

This is love is it not really

Renewal of vows, anniversaries aplenty

Happiness abounds, joy covers our hurts

Never saw it come, didn’t sense the change

Wanted more, but more it’d never become

Time flew by, it’s true we’d say

The sun shined, the winds blew gently

The birds sang, the blooms fell one by one

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Meant to be there

Supposed to care

Old enough to know better

No need for a trend setter

Wiser decisions and you’d be with me

Time ticks on, can’t go back

Warm tears bitter, a mask for the pain

Wishes aborted, hope in vain

Sometimes there, must have cared

Mentally immature, too old for a cure

Childishly selfish, expecting too much

Forgive and forget, warm tears for supper

Foolish it’s true, the heart still wishes

Hugs and smiles, things being different

Dream on dear child, weary after miles

Too sad to be happy

Meant to be there

Supposed to care

Learnt to live with a hole

Warm tears for supper

Learning from others and my advice to you

All around us each day people are busy working away. There are dreams to be fulfilled, money to be made for the bills and general living or for retirement. We see social media or the tv showing us the “good life” and the things that make it seem we’ve arrived, we’ve made it (wherever and whatever that means to you). There are endless videos of young people trekking off around the world, or others living lives we can only admire from afar since our budgets and circumstances or future plans would not allow us following suit. At the end of the long work day, we get to go home, do more work before crawling tired in to bed to get up next morning to the same things.

I’m sure I’ve made that sound badly and like two different worlds. My life as it is right now is fine. Yes, there are some things I’m hoping will be different and better so I’m working on them – little by little and staying motivated. So what am I on about then? I’ve recently been talking with others and hearing about plans for the future, present circumstances, and missed opportunities in the past.

Planning for the future is great! Be as realistic as possible but still dream big. Today your situation may look one way causing you to think about the future through a particular set of lenses but remember never to doubt yourself. The energy you project into your day, your future or your relationships is important and impacts what you receive. Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Love or whatever name you call your higher power, know that you are loved, special, and there are great plans for your life.

In my talks recently, missed opportunities was a big topic. I too have had this conversation- with myself. I then wrote out some of the opportunities that came my way that I did not make full or good use of over the course of my life. In psychology they explain that this evaluation of life happens in the older years and that if life was happy and well spent then people are happy to continue on and share their wisdom with others. If the opposite happened then they are likely to experience despair.

The fact that this evaluation of life is happening at younger ages is amazing to me. We are still in the stages of life where jobs can be changed, new or further studies undertaken, countries changed, or relationships fostered. Sure, the resources to make the necessary changes may not all be available and dreams may have to go on hold, but my point is that changes can still be made. An older person I spoke with explained that one of the challenges associated with the desire to change right now is age. There is a whole process when you are over a certain age and close to retirement.

My advice to everyone (I’m aware you didn’t ask, but here goes anyway) is to have a sit down with yourself. Divide a sheet of paper into four or use four sheets. Write out the plans for the future, present situation including things you think are positive and negative, missed opportunities of the past, and finally, which opportunities you wish you had or could have again. From the present, pause and be thankful for all you have. The good things will make you better and the negative things can be learned from. Express gratitude for the opportunities you’ve had regardless of how they were used. Then connect your future list and the opportunities hoped for lists. Write out small steps you can take to revisit and achieve or fulfill those things.

Be patient with yourself. And be kind. It’s a process! My friend once told me, had someone asked you to give or do something for them you would, so think about yourself and do the same. Lisa Nichols shared recently in her video How to Not Lose One’s Self in Relationships, that people will only love you to the degree that they love themselves. So then, best wishes on your journey and talk with you soon.

Learning and my visit to the doc

I can be clumsy some days. Well, not all of the day but rather just a few seconds – which is enough time to cause damage. I think I’ve been a little accident prone for years and have the scars to prove it. Trips to the doctor, weeks of ointment covered legs, having to wear slippers instead of shoes, enduring sympathetic sentiments, and playing tag with my self esteem are all reminders. I’m not beating on myself so that’s not what this is about. It’s more about the experiences and possible lessons I’ve learned along the way as a result of these moments.

A lesson example would be to avoid ants of the vicious variety. I really don’t recall precisely where or when I had my meeting with the ants but I definitely remember it did not go well. They were irate over the heavy intrusion of my preteen feet. Now I’m not saying I was in any way overweight. No one who knew me then would believe that. In fact, I got called a few interesting – but at the time hurtful – names due to my size. Even recently, my size was the topic of a few conversations.

Here I run the risk of mixing stories as two want to come out at once and neither is the reason I even began writing today. The ants story ended with penicillin, a few missed days of school, scars, and of course this story to tell. One of the recent conversations regarding my body size didn’t even include me really. It was between two nurses in a language I’m still new to, while they were taking blood samples during a routine health check. Last time I did this I left with three places they injected trying to find enough blood. This time I left with only two and their reasoning that it was because I was “so slender”. Right.

So now, back to lessons. It’s better to be prepared with tape for wrapping swollen limbs, antibiotic cream for scrapes or scratches, and bandaids. Those usually are in a little kit for whenever I’m taking trips. For today though, tape alone was fine. I finally visited a clinic over three months after my toe collided with the metal bed foot on a morning I was rushing to get things done before leaving for work. I had overstayed my time in bed and was trying to make the remaining time work. Well, the X-ray showed no fractures, thank God. The doctor asked me for the tape I’d brought and wrapped my two toes for support I guess then asked if I wanted medicine.

I left with no medicine because I told him “I don’t know”. I’m not big on medicines nor on pain and I’m not the greatest fan of doctors. They can see more of me than I’m comfortable with or even knew existed and they can give me any medicine they want to. All that said, today was probably one of my most interesting visits to a doctor. He also told me to wear bigger shoes. I am laughing, probably too much. The lesson, well, visiting the doctor can be hilarious. Let’s hope I still think so when I see the next one.

Learning as I go

In the last few weeks I have not written anything here. In a sense, it has been on purpose. During this time I’ve made a few speeches and written a few farewells but beyond that, outside of my personal journal, I’ve not written. I usually write to express myself and talk about what’s happening so I don’t keep things bottled inside. Talking or writing also helps me better examine things and see parts I’d not have noticed otherwise. I also write to share knowledge and ideas, and because I like talking/writing sometimes.

In the two weeks I neglected to write here, I’ve had to deal with my thoughts. I know not everything is good to be said even if they are thought and not every thought is worth considering. Hence, I’ve kept to myself while I deal with things my way. Some of those discarded thoughts were on various little things and annoyances that happened and my mind raced off thinking of how I would put them all on paper. Writing would have been a good way to process and move on but in cases like those thinking of writing and the words I’d use was usually enough.

Rather than expend energy on certain things I prefer to see the humor and lessons in them. If I quit complaining a bit and examine logically and truthfully my experiences then many times I can see where I went wrong, that some things are not worth pursuing, and the value of waiting or being quite a bit. Also, I can see the interesting things I can learn from and about the people around me. Many times I may wonder about certain things or people but keep my concern to myself, which can be good, but not always. Think on it, what’s a smile if it’s not shared; why discard valuable things when your friend could benefit if you spoke to each other.

So I’m learning. I don’t always get it right but I’m trying. Just like people tend to advise not to post things for the sake of posting but be considerate, I’m telling myself the same thing with writing. After all, what I write can hurt or harm and I have to be careful of my motives. Pushing the “post” button from a place of anonymity is easy but I still have to live with myself and be responsible for what I put out there. So, until I next write, I’ll be here learning to live wisely and find the humor and lessons in life’s everyday experiences.

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There was a time when I used to see myself standing in a field of wild flowers, some towering above me. In those fields the flowers were a light pink like cotton candy. Now I think on it, I wonder if some were not also white. Their slender stems rose above my head reaching for the puffy white clouds dotting the clear blue sky. I was never lost in that field. It was my happy place. Maybe one day I’ll actually see a field like that.

There was also a time I saw myself walking in a daze across a green field towards the cliffs. Always it would be the same. A daze, being caught up in a thick mist coming from behind me and rolling towards the cliffs. Sometimes it would carry me to the very edge overlooking the water below crashing on the rocks. It has held me in suspension at the very edge and I’ve seen myself leaning over as if falling. In all the time I used to see that version of myself I’ve seen me fall, only unable to control what was happening or prevent it in any way.

I know where I’ve been even if only in my mind. I’ve chosen to live consciously, in the light. I’ve chosen to be a light because I’ve glimpsed the alternative from a far; because the Light gives life and I want to live; because my purpose is to shine HIS light and help others; and because I have hope I can share. I know how the story ends and that I’m safe with HIM. While I’m here I wait, I live, and I avail myself so HE can use me for HIS glory. I’m awake.

Today I saw me. I wrote, read a Scripture and I prayed. I got stronger. I became calm again. HE’s got me. All will be well. All is well. I wait.

Dreams and Hope

I remember a poem from my high school days that talked about dreams. It asked what happened to unfulfilled dreams. There were two options I think of what may happen. The first, if I remember correctly, was a comparison to a syrupy sweet that had been in the sun. As to the second, well, I’d have to revisit the words of Langston Hughes to find out. At the moment there’s only a Scripture verse from Proverbs stuck in my mind replacing the end of the poem. It says: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Dreams are important but I guess I don’t have to tell anyone that, or at least I shouldn’t have to. Do you have dreams and goals you’re working on? As I’m writing I’m thinking of children born in circumstances where there is a seemingly never ending cycle of chaos and poverty. Children who have never seen that there is a different world just beyond the place they call home. Do they have dreams and hope? How would those dreams compare to those of other children who only know the definition of poverty but have been shielded from it.

What about the people in our neighborhoods or those we pass on the roads in our haste to get about our lives and live our dreams. How about those children in the orphanage a few blocks away or those on the children’s ward in our local hospital? I’m even thinking of the elderly people there too. And while I’m at it, how about the very people we live with. Are we so busy in our lives that we may actually be missing out on what’s in front of us?

I’ve heard it said that we came into the world with nothing and we will leave with nothing. But what if we are born with dreams and hope and what if we eventually die with our dreams because they went unfulfilled and ran over like that syrupy sweet. What if each time we missed out and our hope began to fade our very lives were fading too. How can we see fading dreams and dying hope in ourselves and others? And do we have a minute to care?

‘Rain’ and my life

Until about a few minutes ago I was set on writing only about the water bill my neighbor is going to get but now I’ve changed my mind. I have something else to write on. Welcome to my life and Happy New Year!

First, that water situation. Three days ago I thought I heard rain. After two days of snow I’d dug out a path and shoveled some snow but resisted the urge to build a little snowman. So when I heard rain I checked my weather app, saw ‘snow showers’ and thought of the missed chance to build a snowman. It likely would have looked more like a monster but isn’t it funny how we miss things (and people) when they are gone yet sometimes take them for granted when they are here. Later when I went to make dinner I still heard the rain but then I noticed a strange noise and that’s when I knew something was wrong.

The rest of that story has me thinking about the sort of neighbor I am. I’ve never met this neighbor and don’t think anyone actually lives there though I’m sure there are things inside. It turns out that the cold from the days of snow (or some such explanation – I don’t speak the language here well enough) caused some pipes to burst. This one seems connected to the water heater box thing outside. After trying to call around for help, including to someone in charge of housing and even an interpreter I know, I finally called my immediate supervisor who made some calls. In short, no, I don’t want to touch those pipes. They are old and cold and me even looking too hard at them could cause more issues. And no, I don’t want to pay the charges and have my neighbor reimburse me later. I’ve never seen or heard the neighbor. Me agreeing to pay seems like the only way to get the relevant company out to fix things. Genuinely sorry, but no, so that ‘rain’ is still falling and I feel badly.

It may be this situation that’s adding to my feeling or maybe it’s simply being home for many days and realizing that although I want to change some things in my life, it’s not yet time. So how do I make proper and productive use of this meantime that I’m in? A few minutes ago when I decided to write I had been dealing with a thought or rather a memory. You see, about eight or nine years ago I had been offered a clear vacancy job which I don’t think anyone understood why I declined. It was this memory that came back and had me wondering where I’d be today had I taken it. I think I’d have gone the predictable route of work, church, home and perhaps even family and home ownership. I doubt I would be right here today.

You see, back then, life was mapped out a certain way. People in my surroundings did high school then college or university, worked then got married, got a mortgage, and had a child or two. Even before I left, people were beginning to look at me and ask if I wasn’t going to get married. Even when I went back to visit I got asked if I hadn’t found anyone. Can you see now why even though I think it’s almost time to return there and to resurrect some of my dreams I’d be uncomfortable to do so? I’m fine the way I am. I’m not being picky or even hiding, just learning about myself and doing my best to live life the best I can. I think I had to get away to learn and grow and become better and more appreciative of the person I am.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. And I don’t have any clear plans – as yet. I know though that I’ll be all right in time. There are still so many things I don’t know and places I’ll never see but I came here and now I can see better. I may not be the wonderful neighbor I am to be or even be walking in my fullest potential but each day you’ll see me putting one foot in front of the other and getting up when I fall. I know God’s got me. He’s got you too. Best wishes for the new year and thanks for reading!!

UPDATE:

The water situation has been dealt with, thank God 🙏 and I had nothing to do with it. 😀

Holiday Plans

Well, it’s just a few days before Christmas. For the first time in five years it seem I’ll be without a white one but forecasts can change. So can plans! I’d finished summer thankful that I had a job and was looking forward a bit to a little traveling and exploring. It was all getting laid out in my mind: destination, duration, flight costs, possible safety measures, goals for going there, foods I wanted to try, ideas of where to stay and where I’d want to visit, almost everything. And then I realized, current projections were indicating it would be best to stay closer to home. In fact, it may be better not to leave the general area.

I won’t sit here under my blanket beside the heater and write that that did not hurt. For a moment back there, I even tried to bargain with myself. You know it’s the holidays and they don’t really celebrate them here. You know it’s good to broaden your horizon and you’ve wanted to travel and see different places and experience different cultures. Well, you’ve got some savings from before, why not just think on it and see, you know, because you’ve worked hard for it so … maybe. No! I can and I could but I won’t.

So those plans got cancelled and I’ve decided to stay home. No decorations but I’ll try to make the day bright. Yesterday evening I paid all my bills and did some grocery shopping, thank God. I’ve gotten over my plans and have been living with a healthier attitude. In fact, I even did some exercises this morning – well, just a few minutes, but it’s a start. Sure, I did snack a little but it was healthy. And I even relaxed and watched a Joyce Meyer message and then, just now, a Perry Mason movie. See, I’m fine and doing well. Christmas will be here soon and that too will be fine. And, in a few months when I likely will need that savings I’ll have it to draw on.

All’s well that ends well, right. And it isn’t always so much about the destination. It’s about the journey to get there. So Merry Christmas everyone and share a smile, meal, or kind word with someone else. Take care of yourselves. Live well. You’ll thank yourself later for it.

Are others passing me by?

person standing on top of rock — Photo by Suliman Sallehi on Pexels.com

When I was younger I would think of what I wanted to be. I never really gotten it figured out. Well, more accurately, I’ve never been able to narrow it down to any one thing. I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant, firefighter, nurse, work in agriculture or something to do with the environment, teach, and counsel others. One thing has always been true: I’ve always wanted to give back and help others.

I’ve not gotten to be half of the things I’ve wanted but I can put a check mark beside a few. What has not turned into a career has been tried in voluntary service or life experiences. There is still so much that I want to get involved with though. As I think about that, I’m wondering when that will all happen. I’ve seen other people, including some that are younger than me, who are full of life and out there doing things. Social media is filled with examples. For some of them, life seems wonderful and just a dream. Is life passing me by?

If you’ve ever been there and wondered the same thing even just for a second, let me help you. Stop! It’s not helpful for us to compare ourselves with others in that way. We each were born with our own purpose that only we can fulfill. We have our own lanes in life. You cannot be me and I cannot be you. I cannot walk in your shoes no matter how hard I try. You are special just the way you are and if you don’t like you then you can do something about it so you can become the ideal self you’ve envisioned.

So yes, it may look like others are jetting off to volunteer in some beautiful corner of the earth and helping fulfill a need. It may look like others are able to afford the house and the car and a vacation. True. But I don’t know what their lives really are like. I don’t know how they feel about themselves and their accomplishments. I have no idea what their struggles have been or that they are not even looking at my life and thinking it may not be glamorous but it’s definitely stable-looking and peaceful. I’ve worked hard for what I’ve got and made the choices I’ve thought were best. This is my life. What you have is your life. It’s not a race or even dress rehearsal. It’s the real deal. So let’s be thankful for what we have and what we can make it to be. Others are not passing us by. They’re just living their lives.