Thankful for …

In this season of my life, though there are many things happening and many distractions, I want to pause and say some things I’m thankful for.

For a few days there was no fresh snowfall. I welcomed the sun and saw the asphalt again. I walked freely without thinking. There were still huge piles of snow along the sides and covering some paths but I took the other paths and had no fear of slipping on ice because there was none. This morning I looked through the window and it took me a while to understand what was different. I knew it would return. My brain is used to seeing it – a blanket of white everywhere. I’m thankful for the days of sunshine and clean walkways. I’m thankful also for snow. Some things can only be appreciated when they reappear after their winter season.

I’m thankful for kind people. I’m not usually one to suffer from motion sickness but recently I felt really ill twice after being in situations where I was not the one driving. The ill feelings were worse the second time and got the notice of the driver who kindly asked if I was okay. It took me a while but I was fine. I’m thankful for patience.

I’ve received kindness in other ways too. Someone sat with me and explained a few steps in a difficult process I didn’t understand. Someone shared an experience with me so now I’m better prepared for when I have to do the same thing. Other people have just been kind. Someone else offered to take my amended grocery list and money and get stuff for me while doing her own shopping. For all these and more, I’m thankful.

I was able to hear singing for the first time in so long. It was all unexpected and I’m thankful. The earth dance crazily but I was fine. For these things too I’m thankful. The future awaits and I don’t know all the steps I’ll need to take or the growth and maturity that will need to happen first or even as I take each step but I’m thankful. God knows my path. He knows what I need. He’s got me and He’ll make a way for me.

For all these, and for all I didn’t mention or even have neglected to remember, I’m thankful. Be thankful and say so.

Gratitude for my life as it is

We were standing in front of our house talking after it had become dark enough for even the faintest light to shine brightly. Nothing serious, just about running and getting in those kilometres on the app. They were explaining to me since I’m not a runner and then we talked about the safety of the places to run after dark or alone. One had seen a young bear, another felt a certain area was spooky and best avoided. Then, suddenly, all our phones sounded an alarm and we waited. When it began, the ground beneath my feet danced and swayed to an unheard rhythm. Someone, some distance away, screamed in fright I guess. It was not a lot of shaking but it felt weird to be outside and standing. I checked for anything nearby or above that might come falling down. All clear. Finished. Gratitude expressed.

In for the night, I began to think of yesterday when I had wanted to write my thoughts. They weren’t as fresh now but I could still try if this tiredness I feel allows. It didn’t, so now on this bright morning, while the occasional sounds of people moving about drift my way on a lazy breeze, I stop to write those thoughts. I’m reminded that I should write more regularly but some days I only say my thoughts the way I would write them then never take the time to actually put them down. But, gratitude for my thoughts. I’m blessed to have them.

My short trip to town completed I began the drive towards home. As I left the lights behind, the number of vehicles decreased. Few had their lights on as it was still light enough to still see without them. Mere minutes after leaving the town the beautiful verdant rice fields greeted me. There, hanging just above the plants was a light mist, barely visible in the evening light. Up above, the clouds danced in fading orange and grey delight across the sky painted in different shades of blue. Distractingly beautiful.

There are very few cars coming my way and my eyes are alert for any pedestrians out at this hour. The fields are empty. Farmers are already home likely gathered around the dinner table or preparing for it. I drive on up the winding mountain road trees on either side crowding in and blocking out some of the fading light. My own lights are on now and I let my thoughts flow. I see the lights of a house on the right partially hidden behind some trees. A feeling envelopes me as I drive pass. Immediately as I’m passing I feel an invitation that says one word: home. It leaves me and my thoughts turn to prayer.

I pray because in this minute I know that one day I’ll leave behind this mountain dotted with rice fields and flowers and the occasional animal scurrying across the road. I’ll leave the peace and quiet, spring rains and flowers, noisy cicadas, summer greenery, and this life in general. (It’s my first summer on this part of the mountain so autumn and winter are as yet unknown but having lived in the mountains before, I can imagine what I’m in for on top of one.) I’ve often said this is not my forever home and I know there is an actual expiration date but I prayed this moment and these experiences would stay with me; that I’d live them well and appreciate all I had been given.

I don’t know what waits for me in the future I cannot yet see clearly with my mind’s eyes but for today I want to live, do my best and express gratitude for everything especially my life as it is now.

Learning and my visit to the doc

I can be clumsy some days. Well, not all of the day but rather just a few seconds – which is enough time to cause damage. I think I’ve been a little accident prone for years and have the scars to prove it. Trips to the doctor, weeks of ointment covered legs, having to wear slippers instead of shoes, enduring sympathetic sentiments, and playing tag with my self esteem are all reminders. I’m not beating on myself so that’s not what this is about. It’s more about the experiences and possible lessons I’ve learned along the way as a result of these moments.

A lesson example would be to avoid ants of the vicious variety. I really don’t recall precisely where or when I had my meeting with the ants but I definitely remember it did not go well. They were irate over the heavy intrusion of my preteen feet. Now I’m not saying I was in any way overweight. No one who knew me then would believe that. In fact, I got called a few interesting – but at the time hurtful – names due to my size. Even recently, my size was the topic of a few conversations.

Here I run the risk of mixing stories as two want to come out at once and neither is the reason I even began writing today. The ants story ended with penicillin, a few missed days of school, scars, and of course this story to tell. One of the recent conversations regarding my body size didn’t even include me really. It was between two nurses in a language I’m still new to, while they were taking blood samples during a routine health check. Last time I did this I left with three places they injected trying to find enough blood. This time I left with only two and their reasoning that it was because I was “so slender”. Right.

So now, back to lessons. It’s better to be prepared with tape for wrapping swollen limbs, antibiotic cream for scrapes or scratches, and bandaids. Those usually are in a little kit for whenever I’m taking trips. For today though, tape alone was fine. I finally visited a clinic over three months after my toe collided with the metal bed foot on a morning I was rushing to get things done before leaving for work. I had overstayed my time in bed and was trying to make the remaining time work. Well, the X-ray showed no fractures, thank God. The doctor asked me for the tape I’d brought and wrapped my two toes for support I guess then asked if I wanted medicine.

I left with no medicine because I told him “I don’t know”. I’m not big on medicines nor on pain and I’m not the greatest fan of doctors. They can see more of me than I’m comfortable with or even knew existed and they can give me any medicine they want to. All that said, today was probably one of my most interesting visits to a doctor. He also told me to wear bigger shoes. I am laughing, probably too much. The lesson, well, visiting the doctor can be hilarious. Let’s hope I still think so when I see the next one.

False Alarm

Yesterday was mostly a “lazy day” for me. I felt that after a week of running around trying to learn about the ins and outs of my new job and everything else I was doing, I needed to simply rest. Rest for me can mean a few things but overall yesterday’s rest meant mostly reclining in my bed listening to music then a few sermons, watching movies, then reading on the internet. Most of the day had gone by without me realizing but that was fine. I’d been snacking throughout the day which meant nothing got cooked but that too was fine with me.

By the time I got to evening and darkness fell over my part of the land, I decided to call it a day and get ready for bed. I know I slept a bit but something woke me and for hours I tried different strategies to get sleep to come my way yet it lingered. I heard the clock ticking along the seconds which turned to hours yet sleep avoided me. I prayed then found a short sermon on my phone. I know I got about half way consciously then finally sleep took over. It probably could have stayed away because the dreams that came made me want to wake up. And that’s when it happened.

It was not a scary sound but it invaded my sleep and I heard it. First there was the alarm then an announcement in the local language then in English. It said there seemed to be a fire but to wait a few minutes for confirmation and instructions on what to do. It repeated. I was out of bed, lights on, heading to the bathroom to check if I looked presentable to head outside if necessary. As I went I thought, where is the fire? I opened the door and glanced down the hallways but when the lights automatically came on, only the red fire alarm button was flashing. There was no smoke or burning smells or signs of fire.

A few seconds later, the announcements came again, only this time, they said it had been a false alarm and all was well. I’m thankful to God it was a false alarm for so many reasons. A few of these include that I just moved here so a fire could mean finding a new home; there are many other people on the compound which would mean evacuating everyone; and fire trucks and ambulances would likely take a while to get up this mountain which would mean lots of destruction. What’s more is that while I was calm and warm enough to head outside, it did not occur to me to bring anything – passport, money, laptop, clothes, phone, nothing. I was basically going to put on my shoes and go.

I can laugh about it all now but I don’t think I’d be laughing had things turned out differently. Sure, now I’m more aware of the need for an emergency bag that’s packed and ready to go. But… I’m still thinking on it. In this daylight with the sun high in the sky and the few clouds low overhead up here on the mountain, I’m sitting near my heater, looking out and being thankful for false alarms.

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There was a time when I used to see myself standing in a field of wild flowers, some towering above me. In those fields the flowers were a light pink like cotton candy. Now I think on it, I wonder if some were not also white. Their slender stems rose above my head reaching for the puffy white clouds dotting the clear blue sky. I was never lost in that field. It was my happy place. Maybe one day I’ll actually see a field like that.

There was also a time I saw myself walking in a daze across a green field towards the cliffs. Always it would be the same. A daze, being caught up in a thick mist coming from behind me and rolling towards the cliffs. Sometimes it would carry me to the very edge overlooking the water below crashing on the rocks. It has held me in suspension at the very edge and I’ve seen myself leaning over as if falling. In all the time I used to see that version of myself I’ve seen me fall, only unable to control what was happening or prevent it in any way.

I know where I’ve been even if only in my mind. I’ve chosen to live consciously, in the light. I’ve chosen to be a light because I’ve glimpsed the alternative from a far; because the Light gives life and I want to live; because my purpose is to shine HIS light and help others; and because I have hope I can share. I know how the story ends and that I’m safe with HIM. While I’m here I wait, I live, and I avail myself so HE can use me for HIS glory. I’m awake.

Today I saw me. I wrote, read a Scripture and I prayed. I got stronger. I became calm again. HE’s got me. All will be well. All is well. I wait.

Holiday Plans

Well, it’s just a few days before Christmas. For the first time in five years it seem I’ll be without a white one but forecasts can change. So can plans! I’d finished summer thankful that I had a job and was looking forward a bit to a little traveling and exploring. It was all getting laid out in my mind: destination, duration, flight costs, possible safety measures, goals for going there, foods I wanted to try, ideas of where to stay and where I’d want to visit, almost everything. And then I realized, current projections were indicating it would be best to stay closer to home. In fact, it may be better not to leave the general area.

I won’t sit here under my blanket beside the heater and write that that did not hurt. For a moment back there, I even tried to bargain with myself. You know it’s the holidays and they don’t really celebrate them here. You know it’s good to broaden your horizon and you’ve wanted to travel and see different places and experience different cultures. Well, you’ve got some savings from before, why not just think on it and see, you know, because you’ve worked hard for it so … maybe. No! I can and I could but I won’t.

So those plans got cancelled and I’ve decided to stay home. No decorations but I’ll try to make the day bright. Yesterday evening I paid all my bills and did some grocery shopping, thank God. I’ve gotten over my plans and have been living with a healthier attitude. In fact, I even did some exercises this morning – well, just a few minutes, but it’s a start. Sure, I did snack a little but it was healthy. And I even relaxed and watched a Joyce Meyer message and then, just now, a Perry Mason movie. See, I’m fine and doing well. Christmas will be here soon and that too will be fine. And, in a few months when I likely will need that savings I’ll have it to draw on.

All’s well that ends well, right. And it isn’t always so much about the destination. It’s about the journey to get there. So Merry Christmas everyone and share a smile, meal, or kind word with someone else. Take care of yourselves. Live well. You’ll thank yourself later for it.

Signed: Thankful

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The morning I decided on the topic was the morning I ended up being late for work. It was only by a few minutes and I’d called in to let them know what was happening and that I would not be on time. Yet in the moment, as I waited for the lights to turn green, I found that not only was I sensing a bad attitude coming on but I was also being ungrateful. I actually said aloud, “God you’re messing with my plans”. After I got to work, apologized for being late, got told it was fine especially because I had notified them in advance, I noticed I still felt so badly and had to talk myself in to looking on the bright side.

That day turned out wonderfully well. Nevertheless, I thought I should stop and think about my attitude and what I could have done differently. I have decided to stick with my “Signed:Thankful” topic and find some things I can be thankful about. Thanksgiving was a few weeks ago so perhaps many people already did their reflections and have moved on to decorations. For me though, I am thankful today for safety, a job where I can positively impact lives, happiness, joy, my smile, good health, that I can pay my bills, independence, my family, and that God loves me. I am thankful for progress and that I am learning and growing. I am thankful that while I have not yet achieved all the things I want in life, I am not living with regrets.

I am thankful for so many other things too, like simple things: I can swallow, I no longer have a cold, I have started working on some of my goals again, and for today, I am not concerned about what this winter will be like. It’s not that life has somehow become so much better for me based on how society looks at life. Rather, it is that I am no longer so concerned and secretly worried about the future that I fail to see the beauty of each day. I still fall off my good train sometimes, and I still spend hours trying to research what I can do with my future, but in my mind somewhere is the assurance that it will all work out.

I have realized that the opportunities I have today and how I use them can impact my future. For instance, years ago, I had an opportunity to learn a second language. I have not mastered the language or come anywhere near fluency but I have seen how the experience of this learning has helped me in the way I relate to and assist others who are learning a foreign language. So now, I am looking out for opportunities and trying to use them wisely since I do not know how they will impact my life in the future. It is all part of living in the present moment rather than living in the future while neglecting the present. Do you see now why I can be thankful for growth and the little things? How about you, what are some things you are thankful for?