I wished… I received

They say to be careful what you wish for. I’ve heard it a few times over the years. Recently, I got reminded of it because I wished, told someone in passing, and then I received. Here’s what happened.

As a teen, I remember going along to visit relatives of a relative. Back then, I saw certain things through rose coloured glasses. They lived in a place where the early afternoon drizzle kept the grass green and beautiful. On a little slope in their massive yard was a heavily laden star fruit tree. (Jimbilin is another name for it though that’s not how I used to spell or pronounce it. You may know it as carambola.) The yellow fruit was sweeter than the green tangy ones but that was my first experience with it and while I didn’t fully like it, the setting and five-point fruit marked my memory.

Star Fruit/Jimbilin

Recently, I was walking somewhere and minding my business. All right. I was admiring the flowers and trees in the yards I passed but I was still minding my business and smiling as I reflected on pleasant memories from childhood whenever I spotted familiar flowers or tall towering trees. That’s when I saw it. Nestled in a corner near the fence of a yard was a jimbilin tree with lots of ripe fruit. I remembered that tree in the relative’s yard and wished I could get some.

On returning home and recounting my adventures, I mentioned the tree and my wish for a few. Days passed and I forgot. After all, I’m more a fan of the memory than the actual fruits. Well, a few days ago, someone who knows not of my walk or wish visited with a bag full of the fruit. I’ve not had any and probably will not for why spoil a memory. It’s just sad though that I wished and received but have found myself content to ignore the fulfilment while the opportunity passes by. Next time, I’ll just have to be careful what I wish for.

Change is in the air

Change. Sometimes I’m better at accepting and welcoming it than at other times but it’s inevitable either way.

I neglected to post two weeks ago and decided it was fine. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing, observe things, let go and watch change happen.

Driving down the mountain today was interesting for me. My face hurt from smiling crazily and wanting to jump with joy. There were tiny green leaves on the trees and flowers beginning to bloom while some were already in full bloom. It all made me so happy. At one section of the drive I rounded a corner and the mountains in the distance came into clear view. Above them and hanging low were the clouds I suspect left some fresh snow there. Further down I could see some snow still covering the ground. And further down those same mountains? Beautiful pink blossoms. Winter met spring.

Change was in town too and I don’t mean all the other beautiful flowers I saw on the way or even the fields of rich dark freshly plowed soil in fields ready to be filled with water before being planted with rice seedlings. I mean that there were so many vehicles at the shopping mall. Looks like everybody and their neighbours were out today. But thankfully everyone was wearing a mask. The place was never empty before but it did seem today like pre-pandemic crowds.

There were more changes too. I noticed an EV quick charging station. While it may not be new, I may have only just noticed it there. One of the stores I like have changed to only one cashier. The entire section where the others used to be has been converted to machine check out stations. Thankfully, when I was next in line I got directed to the kind cashier lady. My brain was still frozen at the change so I was not ready to interact with a machine.

The drive home was fine. I took in the blossoms and smiled a bit. The higher I climbed the less I saw but in a few days or weeks, change will get to this mountain too, I’m already seeing tiny bits of evidence. Sure, I may end up sneezing a time or two and definitely end up with way too many photos, but I’m willing to step forward and meet this change that’s in the air.

Thankful for …

In this season of my life, though there are many things happening and many distractions, I want to pause and say some things I’m thankful for.

For a few days there was no fresh snowfall. I welcomed the sun and saw the asphalt again. I walked freely without thinking. There were still huge piles of snow along the sides and covering some paths but I took the other paths and had no fear of slipping on ice because there was none. This morning I looked through the window and it took me a while to understand what was different. I knew it would return. My brain is used to seeing it – a blanket of white everywhere. I’m thankful for the days of sunshine and clean walkways. I’m thankful also for snow. Some things can only be appreciated when they reappear after their winter season.

I’m thankful for kind people. I’m not usually one to suffer from motion sickness but recently I felt really ill twice after being in situations where I was not the one driving. The ill feelings were worse the second time and got the notice of the driver who kindly asked if I was okay. It took me a while but I was fine. I’m thankful for patience.

I’ve received kindness in other ways too. Someone sat with me and explained a few steps in a difficult process I didn’t understand. Someone shared an experience with me so now I’m better prepared for when I have to do the same thing. Other people have just been kind. Someone else offered to take my amended grocery list and money and get stuff for me while doing her own shopping. For all these and more, I’m thankful.

I was able to hear singing for the first time in so long. It was all unexpected and I’m thankful. The earth dance crazily but I was fine. For these things too I’m thankful. The future awaits and I don’t know all the steps I’ll need to take or the growth and maturity that will need to happen first or even as I take each step but I’m thankful. God knows my path. He knows what I need. He’s got me and He’ll make a way for me.

For all these, and for all I didn’t mention or even have neglected to remember, I’m thankful. Be thankful and say so.

Reality

Ran from the tears

They caught me

Tried to self heal

The pain leaked out

Not mad at you

The words just broke me

Reality

Thought the hurt was over

Grieved the lost, the cost and the never

Questioned the why but no answers

Found peace, left the reasons

Sunshine again, new season

Strengthened with hope

Held on to faith

Then reality

Won’t question the why

Or try to just get by

Bandage ripped off

Old unhealed wounds exposed

Heart leaks slowly

No longer willing to hide

Reality

My covid season lessons

I’m back. From the title I imagine you might see the word “covid” and just probably roll your eyes, sigh, or simply feel like scrolling pass to the next blog post. I don’t blame you. I recently got a message from my friend about an article or video on how to avoid covid. Well, I proceeded to thank her then added that I may or may not look at it since I’m covid tired. Sure I then felt badly for my response but I also felt a bit relieved. It’s ok to say it’s too much, I’ve had enough for now. So here are some other things I’m learning.

I enjoy time alone. Peace and quiet are wonderful for me. They sometimes come at an expense and I occasionally go to the extreme but being by myself has been good. Yes, I’m aware of problems associated with isolation and I do not recommend it for everyone. Know yourself and do what is good for you.

There have been times when I’ve been briefly tempted to walk around with hand sanitizer, wipes and all things, then wash my hands and put my clothes in the laundry then jump in the shower as soon as I walk through the door. But no, I do not yield to that. I know you can be so particular and still get covid so why stress so much that I miss the beautiful things that are around me. If you are particular and it works for you then do what is good for you. I’ve learned to do what I can and then not stress about the rest.

I’m able to adapt, adjust and roll with the flow. Yep, I’ve been breathing and have just kept going because I’ve realized that even on my worst day, on the day my heart may feel hurt and fragmented, the sky still looks blue, flowers still bloom, and the world still carries on. So, I pause and deal with me but then I get back up and keep going and doing the best I can. I’m stronger than I knew and stronger than I know or believe. Even so, I know I don’t have to be strong and together all the time. I’m giving myself grace.

The final thing I’ll share today is that I’m learning it’s not always easy to let people in. I’ve been learning this alone life for a while and gotten used to my way, my quiet, my own space. Until I have to learn or do differently then I’ll be here living quietly – still showing up and doing what I’m supposed to but then going back to my quiet and peace. And that’s ok.

Thoughts…

As darkness descends on the snow covered land, I glance out the window. No moon yet but it’s still early. I press the button and sweet warmth blows in my direction. My ears feel all eight degrees Celsius of the cold in this room. The hum of the heater breaks the silence.

I’ve been alone with my thoughts this week. Thoughts of what was, is, and perhaps will be. These thoughts had me spinning sometimes, wrapped in memories or fear, uncertainty and hope for the future. I’ve prayed often these days. I’ve listened to sermons, songs, encouragement, and reread some of my own writing. I talk to God and try to listen. The chaos turns to peace. I remember to trust. He’s got me.

It’s completely dark now but I can’t see the stars just the flashing lights from a plane passing by. While I prepare dinner, my mind wanders. I think about those who may not have warmth tonight neither on the inside nor the outside. I think about those who may be struggling even though we all think they are the strong ones. My friends are miles away so I hope they really are fine.

If you have friends or family around you or even far away, even though I’m not good at doing so myself, I as that you check in on them. Send them a funny message or something nice. Let them know you’re thinking of them. While you’re at it, make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. In these stressful times we all need each other.

Be true. Live well. Take care.

Revisit

It’s been a while since I wrote or even visited this page. It’s funny how something that was so important for me at a point in my life fell off the list and I just kept on living. I’m not saying I’m back. I simply felt like writing. Let’s see where it goes.

Forever (or how ever long)

Strangers we were, friends we became

Life was happy, always there you were

Never saw it, didn’t sense the change

You wanted more, engaged we became

Time flew by and love grew stronger

The sun rose, the winds blew gently

The birds sang, the flowers bloomed

This love, is this love really

Your vows and mine, with honesty said

Friends and family witness our memories

We saw this coming, we sensed the change

Time flew by but our love it remained

The sun shined, the winds blew stronger

The birds sang, the blooms stayed on

Young love it grows, sees hope and changes

How long is forever, no end they say

Trials came, disagreements too

Held hands and prayed, we found the way

They saw it coming, they sensed the change

Time flew by but our love never aged

The sun shined, the winds grew fierce

The birds sang, the blooms stayed on

This is love is it not really

Renewal of vows, anniversaries aplenty

Happiness abounds, joy covers our hurts

Never saw it come, didn’t sense the change

Wanted more, but more it’d never become

Time flew by, it’s true we’d say

The sun shined, the winds blew gently

The birds sang, the blooms fell one by one

A word for others who are like I was

I’ve thought about writing these past weeks but each time my stories would have drawn attention to someone else and contain details that were too personal. Apart from that, I had my excuses like, well I have nothing interesting to write about, or I always am writing about life on this mountain top, or I probably should just stop writing. Well I’m back today and not because I’ve found something interesting or because it has nothing to do with my mountain top life, and not to announce that I’m giving up writing either.

Simply, I’m here to offer a simple word of encouragement to anyone who may take the time to read this. It’s for you as well as for myself as I need to get better at taking my own medicine, not just giving it out.

In life, there are some things that we are not happy with. Think about them and if you can change them, if they are necessary to be changed and the reasons and motives are right, then change them.

Some things are best left alone. You can live with them. They can help you be better.

Each day, show gratitude for what you have. Part of that is to smile, slow down, be aware of your present moment. Remember to take care of your health!! You have only one you. Sure, these days there are surgeries to replace parts, provide transplants, give tucks and reshape areas and all sorts of things. (If you’re already ill, this is not aimed at you but instead at the healthy with a don’t care kind of attitude.) Wouldn’t it be better for you to just live healthily now than plan for adjustments later?

Respect the you that you live in.

Gratitude for my life as it is

We were standing in front of our house talking after it had become dark enough for even the faintest light to shine brightly. Nothing serious, just about running and getting in those kilometres on the app. They were explaining to me since I’m not a runner and then we talked about the safety of the places to run after dark or alone. One had seen a young bear, another felt a certain area was spooky and best avoided. Then, suddenly, all our phones sounded an alarm and we waited. When it began, the ground beneath my feet danced and swayed to an unheard rhythm. Someone, some distance away, screamed in fright I guess. It was not a lot of shaking but it felt weird to be outside and standing. I checked for anything nearby or above that might come falling down. All clear. Finished. Gratitude expressed.

In for the night, I began to think of yesterday when I had wanted to write my thoughts. They weren’t as fresh now but I could still try if this tiredness I feel allows. It didn’t, so now on this bright morning, while the occasional sounds of people moving about drift my way on a lazy breeze, I stop to write those thoughts. I’m reminded that I should write more regularly but some days I only say my thoughts the way I would write them then never take the time to actually put them down. But, gratitude for my thoughts. I’m blessed to have them.

My short trip to town completed I began the drive towards home. As I left the lights behind, the number of vehicles decreased. Few had their lights on as it was still light enough to still see without them. Mere minutes after leaving the town the beautiful verdant rice fields greeted me. There, hanging just above the plants was a light mist, barely visible in the evening light. Up above, the clouds danced in fading orange and grey delight across the sky painted in different shades of blue. Distractingly beautiful.

There are very few cars coming my way and my eyes are alert for any pedestrians out at this hour. The fields are empty. Farmers are already home likely gathered around the dinner table or preparing for it. I drive on up the winding mountain road trees on either side crowding in and blocking out some of the fading light. My own lights are on now and I let my thoughts flow. I see the lights of a house on the right partially hidden behind some trees. A feeling envelopes me as I drive pass. Immediately as I’m passing I feel an invitation that says one word: home. It leaves me and my thoughts turn to prayer.

I pray because in this minute I know that one day I’ll leave behind this mountain dotted with rice fields and flowers and the occasional animal scurrying across the road. I’ll leave the peace and quiet, spring rains and flowers, noisy cicadas, summer greenery, and this life in general. (It’s my first summer on this part of the mountain so autumn and winter are as yet unknown but having lived in the mountains before, I can imagine what I’m in for on top of one.) I’ve often said this is not my forever home and I know there is an actual expiration date but I prayed this moment and these experiences would stay with me; that I’d live them well and appreciate all I had been given.

I don’t know what waits for me in the future I cannot yet see clearly with my mind’s eyes but for today I want to live, do my best and express gratitude for everything especially my life as it is now.