Ran from the tears
They caught me
Tried to self heal
The pain leaked out
Not mad at you
The words just broke me
Reality
Thought the hurt was over
Grieved the lost, the cost and the never
Questioned the why but no answers
Found peace, left the reasons
Sunshine again, new season
Strengthened with hope
Held on to faith
Then reality
Won’t question the why
Or try to just get by
Bandage ripped off
Old unhealed wounds exposed
Heart leaks slowly
No longer willing to hide
Reality
I’m back. From the title I imagine you might see the word “covid” and just probably roll your eyes, sigh, or simply feel like scrolling pass to the next blog post. I don’t blame you. I recently got a message from my friend about an article or video on how to avoid covid. Well, I proceeded to thank her then added that I may or may not look at it since I’m covid tired. Sure I then felt badly for my response but I also felt a bit relieved. It’s ok to say it’s too much, I’ve had enough for now. So here are some other things I’m learning.
I enjoy time alone. Peace and quiet are wonderful for me. They sometimes come at an expense and I occasionally go to the extreme but being by myself has been good. Yes, I’m aware of problems associated with isolation and I do not recommend it for everyone. Know yourself and do what is good for you.
There have been times when I’ve been briefly tempted to walk around with hand sanitizer, wipes and all things, then wash my hands and put my clothes in the laundry then jump in the shower as soon as I walk through the door. But no, I do not yield to that. I know you can be so particular and still get covid so why stress so much that I miss the beautiful things that are around me. If you are particular and it works for you then do what is good for you. I’ve learned to do what I can and then not stress about the rest.
I’m able to adapt, adjust and roll with the flow. Yep, I’ve been breathing and have just kept going because I’ve realized that even on my worst day, on the day my heart may feel hurt and fragmented, the sky still looks blue, flowers still bloom, and the world still carries on. So, I pause and deal with me but then I get back up and keep going and doing the best I can. I’m stronger than I knew and stronger than I know or believe. Even so, I know I don’t have to be strong and together all the time. I’m giving myself grace.
The final thing I’ll share today is that I’m learning it’s not always easy to let people in. I’ve been learning this alone life for a while and gotten used to my way, my quiet, my own space. Until I have to learn or do differently then I’ll be here living quietly – still showing up and doing what I’m supposed to but then going back to my quiet and peace. And that’s ok.
As darkness descends on the snow covered land, I glance out the window. No moon yet but it’s still early. I press the button and sweet warmth blows in my direction. My ears feel all eight degrees Celsius of the cold in this room. The hum of the heater breaks the silence.
I’ve been alone with my thoughts this week. Thoughts of what was, is, and perhaps will be. These thoughts had me spinning sometimes, wrapped in memories or fear, uncertainty and hope for the future. I’ve prayed often these days. I’ve listened to sermons, songs, encouragement, and reread some of my own writing. I talk to God and try to listen. The chaos turns to peace. I remember to trust. He’s got me.
It’s completely dark now but I can’t see the stars just the flashing lights from a plane passing by. While I prepare dinner, my mind wanders. I think about those who may not have warmth tonight neither on the inside nor the outside. I think about those who may be struggling even though we all think they are the strong ones. My friends are miles away so I hope they really are fine.
If you have friends or family around you or even far away, even though I’m not good at doing so myself, I as that you check in on them. Send them a funny message or something nice. Let them know you’re thinking of them. While you’re at it, make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. In these stressful times we all need each other.
Be true. Live well. Take care.
Let’s talk life. 