Ran from the tears
They caught me
Tried to self heal
The pain leaked out
Not mad at you
The words just broke me
Reality
Thought the hurt was over
Grieved the lost, the cost and the never
Questioned the why but no answers
Found peace, left the reasons
Sunshine again, new season
Strengthened with hope
Held on to faith
Then reality
Won’t question the why
Or try to just get by
Bandage ripped off
Old unhealed wounds exposed
Heart leaks slowly
No longer willing to hide
Reality
I’m back. From the title I imagine you might see the word “covid” and just probably roll your eyes, sigh, or simply feel like scrolling pass to the next blog post. I don’t blame you. I recently got a message from my friend about an article or video on how to avoid covid. Well, I proceeded to thank her then added that I may or may not look at it since I’m covid tired. Sure I then felt badly for my response but I also felt a bit relieved. It’s ok to say it’s too much, I’ve had enough for now. So here are some other things I’m learning.
I enjoy time alone. Peace and quiet are wonderful for me. They sometimes come at an expense and I occasionally go to the extreme but being by myself has been good. Yes, I’m aware of problems associated with isolation and I do not recommend it for everyone. Know yourself and do what is good for you.
There have been times when I’ve been briefly tempted to walk around with hand sanitizer, wipes and all things, then wash my hands and put my clothes in the laundry then jump in the shower as soon as I walk through the door. But no, I do not yield to that. I know you can be so particular and still get covid so why stress so much that I miss the beautiful things that are around me. If you are particular and it works for you then do what is good for you. I’ve learned to do what I can and then not stress about the rest.
I’m able to adapt, adjust and roll with the flow. Yep, I’ve been breathing and have just kept going because I’ve realized that even on my worst day, on the day my heart may feel hurt and fragmented, the sky still looks blue, flowers still bloom, and the world still carries on. So, I pause and deal with me but then I get back up and keep going and doing the best I can. I’m stronger than I knew and stronger than I know or believe. Even so, I know I don’t have to be strong and together all the time. I’m giving myself grace.
The final thing I’ll share today is that I’m learning it’s not always easy to let people in. I’ve been learning this alone life for a while and gotten used to my way, my quiet, my own space. Until I have to learn or do differently then I’ll be here living quietly – still showing up and doing what I’m supposed to but then going back to my quiet and peace. And that’s ok.
As darkness descends on the snow covered land, I glance out the window. No moon yet but it’s still early. I press the button and sweet warmth blows in my direction. My ears feel all eight degrees Celsius of the cold in this room. The hum of the heater breaks the silence.
I’ve been alone with my thoughts this week. Thoughts of what was, is, and perhaps will be. These thoughts had me spinning sometimes, wrapped in memories or fear, uncertainty and hope for the future. I’ve prayed often these days. I’ve listened to sermons, songs, encouragement, and reread some of my own writing. I talk to God and try to listen. The chaos turns to peace. I remember to trust. He’s got me.
It’s completely dark now but I can’t see the stars just the flashing lights from a plane passing by. While I prepare dinner, my mind wanders. I think about those who may not have warmth tonight neither on the inside nor the outside. I think about those who may be struggling even though we all think they are the strong ones. My friends are miles away so I hope they really are fine.
If you have friends or family around you or even far away, even though I’m not good at doing so myself, I as that you check in on them. Send them a funny message or something nice. Let them know you’re thinking of them. While you’re at it, make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. In these stressful times we all need each other.
Be true. Live well. Take care.
I’ve thought about writing these past weeks but each time my stories would have drawn attention to someone else and contain details that were too personal. Apart from that, I had my excuses like, well I have nothing interesting to write about, or I always am writing about life on this mountain top, or I probably should just stop writing. Well I’m back today and not because I’ve found something interesting or because it has nothing to do with my mountain top life, and not to announce that I’m giving up writing either.
Simply, I’m here to offer a simple word of encouragement to anyone who may take the time to read this. It’s for you as well as for myself as I need to get better at taking my own medicine, not just giving it out.
In life, there are some things that we are not happy with. Think about them and if you can change them, if they are necessary to be changed and the reasons and motives are right, then change them.
Some things are best left alone. You can live with them. They can help you be better.
Each day, show gratitude for what you have. Part of that is to smile, slow down, be aware of your present moment. Remember to take care of your health!! You have only one you. Sure, these days there are surgeries to replace parts, provide transplants, give tucks and reshape areas and all sorts of things. (If you’re already ill, this is not aimed at you but instead at the healthy with a don’t care kind of attitude.) Wouldn’t it be better for you to just live healthily now than plan for adjustments later?
Respect the you that you live in.
As darkness falls over the land tonight, I sit at my little table and think. There’s a lot on my mind tonight. There are thoughts of what happens next, where am I, what have I been doing, do I have the discipline for the next phase, what have I been glossing over that’s in front of me, how do I make the best of what I have while planning for the future. I know I’m blessed. It shows in the many opportunities I have each day to learn something new, to positively touch and impact lives, to live in peace, to be surrounded by wonderful nature, to live in good health. Yet with all this, something calls me.
For a few evenings I’ve watched dusk settle over the mountains. Watching the day end or begin is something I’ve liked doing for years now though sometimes I don’t always make the opportunity or appreciate it as much as I should. There is something majestic about seeing the sun shine brightly as it stands just above the top of the mountain before it mellows and disappears over it painting the clouds beautifully as they dance across the sky. It’s wonderful to watch and it does something to my heart. The dawn is special too, just watching things come to life or appear in a different light as the darkness lifts off them.
Growing up, there were always set chores to be completed in the early mornings before getting ready for school and in the evenings before it got dark. Those days had their own issues but looking back I’m not sure I understood those days at all but I suppose it’s natural that children don’t understand or notice everything. Occasionally, I will be doing something and look up or a feeling comes on that at this time of the evening I’d have been doing such and such. I smile sometimes – a bit sadly at those memories because I’ll never have similar situations to share with this younger generation.
Perhaps I will though, right, since no one knows the future and sometimes that life still calls me. I’ve moved so far away from that part of my life it seems a little foreign. I don’t really see how it’s possible or how it would work with some of my other dreams. What I can see is that I have a great opportunity now but it won’t last forever so I need to either plan ahead or hope things will naturally fall into place the way they should. Whatever happens though I want to be at least in some way prepared as I’m not a great fan of surprises.
It’s completely dark outside now. For a while, all will be covered over as if buried or planted. What’s left undone today must remain that way. Sometimes in the light of day we realize that it was better that certain things went undone. Dawn comes really early on this mountain top and the summer weather seems un-summer-like to me. Soon the leaves will change colour and everything will be transformed then go to sleep before the snows return. Life on the mountain seems fast so I know I must make the best of it.
Wishing the best for you too, where ever in the world you may be.
I keep thinking it would be good to share with you some parallels between actual mountain climbing and climbing your way to your dreams. See, this week, a little mountain taught me some lessons. It wasn’t really little, even though it has that word in its name. Before I share the lessons let me be honest that I was hesitating all week about going but I went because I need to get out more and the fresh air is always good. It has been raining every day up on the mountains but that day would only be cloudy and the rains would continue the following day.
Lesson one would be to plan ahead. While I was deciding to go or not to go, I still got ready. I had an idea of what to wear, where we were going and the things for my first aid kit. My other debate was on which shoes to wear as I don’t have proper hiking boots and I’m still nursing a slight toe injury. On the morning, I communicated with the friend who suggested the hike and got to the meeting place on time for our drive. Even when we arrived at the car park I knew I was not feeling this hike but I put doubts and fears aside because this mountain needed to be climbed.
In life, sometimes we don’t know what our dreams should be or which one to work on. We know to dream but not necessarily how to plan the steps for achieving the dream. Sometimes the dream seems so big or there are fears and doubts that try to make us give up the dream before it has a chance to see some daylight or get some fresh air and life breathe in to it. At times it may be that others around you may not see the dream or have never risen that far so there is no one to guide you. Just be careful who you share your dream with, at what stage you share it, and how to nurture it so it doesn’t die when it should have lived.
So friends, there I was walking among all this greenery, hearing the sounds of birds high above me and water gently flowing nearby. I took literally ten steps and I was already breathless. No joke. My heart was racing. I was tired. After resting a few minutes I continued along. The organizer of the trip was way more fit and just stepping along up the incline, over fallen trees, jumping across small streams, and bubbling with effervescence. Not wanting to tamper her joy I asked her kindly to go on ahead. The other hiker refused to leave me behind citing a rule of her Girls Guide club from her childhood days which forbade her to leave the slowest person behind.
And herein lies lesson two: face the truth and own it. Was I hurt when she told me the rule? I felt it coming on but I chose to admit I was the slowest but instead focus on the fact that she was not leaving me. Any hurt I felt I decided to turn it into energy and see if I could move any faster or stop less times so she could also enjoy the hike. This lesson fits with our dreams as well because sometimes in the way to enjoying the dream there will be persons and situations that slow us down. The dream may need to go on hold a little for us to face, admit and deal with certain things before we can successfully move forward. Remember, it’s not very practical to be going uphill and at the same time be pulling a whole load of hurt, resentment and baggage along. Let it go.
Friends, I got the the mountain top at least three times but then noticed it was only the top of a part of the mountain not the actual top. At one point the place was so narrow they tied ropes on either side to help you along. I sore it was the top and even made a video for my friends back home about having gotten to the top. After this top there was a bit of a slope going down but behind those shrubs, and through the mist on the other side, the climb started again. The lesson here is, try not to be distracted with what looks like the fulfillment of the dream. Also, celebrate the milestones along the way so when you’re tired the flat places don’t mislead you to thinking you’ve reached the top.
The rest of the story is that we turned back about half hour from the top. My feet were dying on the way down so much so I thought I’d probably lose my nails. I figured if I put my gloves in my shoes then my feet would have less place to be dancing in the shoes and could have more protection. I tried positive thoughts, gratitude, enjoying the scenery, and thinking how fast we were descending. When I finally saw the car park, I cannot tell you how happy I was. Maybe hiking isn’t one of my hobbies anymore but it sure taught me a few lessons. Unlike me with my mountain climbing, if you’re working on a dream, don’t quit or stifle your dream. Work on it, you’ll be happy you did.
All around us each day people are busy working away. There are dreams to be fulfilled, money to be made for the bills and general living or for retirement. We see social media or the tv showing us the “good life” and the things that make it seem we’ve arrived, we’ve made it (wherever and whatever that means to you). There are endless videos of young people trekking off around the world, or others living lives we can only admire from afar since our budgets and circumstances or future plans would not allow us following suit. At the end of the long work day, we get to go home, do more work before crawling tired in to bed to get up next morning to the same things.
I’m sure I’ve made that sound badly and like two different worlds. My life as it is right now is fine. Yes, there are some things I’m hoping will be different and better so I’m working on them – little by little and staying motivated. So what am I on about then? I’ve recently been talking with others and hearing about plans for the future, present circumstances, and missed opportunities in the past.
Planning for the future is great! Be as realistic as possible but still dream big. Today your situation may look one way causing you to think about the future through a particular set of lenses but remember never to doubt yourself. The energy you project into your day, your future or your relationships is important and impacts what you receive. Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Love or whatever name you call your higher power, know that you are loved, special, and there are great plans for your life.
In my talks recently, missed opportunities was a big topic. I too have had this conversation- with myself. I then wrote out some of the opportunities that came my way that I did not make full or good use of over the course of my life. In psychology they explain that this evaluation of life happens in the older years and that if life was happy and well spent then people are happy to continue on and share their wisdom with others. If the opposite happened then they are likely to experience despair.
The fact that this evaluation of life is happening at younger ages is amazing to me. We are still in the stages of life where jobs can be changed, new or further studies undertaken, countries changed, or relationships fostered. Sure, the resources to make the necessary changes may not all be available and dreams may have to go on hold, but my point is that changes can still be made. An older person I spoke with explained that one of the challenges associated with the desire to change right now is age. There is a whole process when you are over a certain age and close to retirement.
My advice to everyone (I’m aware you didn’t ask, but here goes anyway) is to have a sit down with yourself. Divide a sheet of paper into four or use four sheets. Write out the plans for the future, present situation including things you think are positive and negative, missed opportunities of the past, and finally, which opportunities you wish you had or could have again. From the present, pause and be thankful for all you have. The good things will make you better and the negative things can be learned from. Express gratitude for the opportunities you’ve had regardless of how they were used. Then connect your future list and the opportunities hoped for lists. Write out small steps you can take to revisit and achieve or fulfill those things.
Be patient with yourself. And be kind. It’s a process! My friend once told me, had someone asked you to give or do something for them you would, so think about yourself and do the same. Lisa Nichols shared recently in her video How to Not Lose One’s Self in Relationships, that people will only love you to the degree that they love themselves. So then, best wishes on your journey and talk with you soon.
I can be clumsy some days. Well, not all of the day but rather just a few seconds – which is enough time to cause damage. I think I’ve been a little accident prone for years and have the scars to prove it. Trips to the doctor, weeks of ointment covered legs, having to wear slippers instead of shoes, enduring sympathetic sentiments, and playing tag with my self esteem are all reminders. I’m not beating on myself so that’s not what this is about. It’s more about the experiences and possible lessons I’ve learned along the way as a result of these moments.
A lesson example would be to avoid ants of the vicious variety. I really don’t recall precisely where or when I had my meeting with the ants but I definitely remember it did not go well. They were irate over the heavy intrusion of my preteen feet. Now I’m not saying I was in any way overweight. No one who knew me then would believe that. In fact, I got called a few interesting – but at the time hurtful – names due to my size. Even recently, my size was the topic of a few conversations.
Here I run the risk of mixing stories as two want to come out at once and neither is the reason I even began writing today. The ants story ended with penicillin, a few missed days of school, scars, and of course this story to tell. One of the recent conversations regarding my body size didn’t even include me really. It was between two nurses in a language I’m still new to, while they were taking blood samples during a routine health check. Last time I did this I left with three places they injected trying to find enough blood. This time I left with only two and their reasoning that it was because I was “so slender”. Right.
So now, back to lessons. It’s better to be prepared with tape for wrapping swollen limbs, antibiotic cream for scrapes or scratches, and bandaids. Those usually are in a little kit for whenever I’m taking trips. For today though, tape alone was fine. I finally visited a clinic over three months after my toe collided with the metal bed foot on a morning I was rushing to get things done before leaving for work. I had overstayed my time in bed and was trying to make the remaining time work. Well, the X-ray showed no fractures, thank God. The doctor asked me for the tape I’d brought and wrapped my two toes for support I guess then asked if I wanted medicine.
I left with no medicine because I told him “I don’t know”. I’m not big on medicines nor on pain and I’m not the greatest fan of doctors. They can see more of me than I’m comfortable with or even knew existed and they can give me any medicine they want to. All that said, today was probably one of my most interesting visits to a doctor. He also told me to wear bigger shoes. I am laughing, probably too much. The lesson, well, visiting the doctor can be hilarious. Let’s hope I still think so when I see the next one.
It’s April 26th, 2019. I hope you’re doing well as you read this, not just well as in your physical health, but also your spiritual and emotional health. If you’re not well in all those areas then girl, no shame or judgment here, but take a break and work on you. It’s important that you’re doing fine and not just “ok”. We’ve talked about this already so you know my stance on “ok”. I also hope you’ve grown much more and have learned about who you truly are.
Future Me, are you all right? Have you decided what whole looks like? Have you found some examples of whole you can learn from? I really hope so. If not, then at least I hope you’ve continued to read and watch videos that are motivational and that can help you be your best you. Tell me girl, what does your life look like now. How does it compare to the day I wrote this? Are you still procrastinating? I know you can work under pressure and produce really good results comparable to or even better than had you done the tasks ahead of time. But you know that the goal is to see if you can keep your joy since apparently procrastination steals joy.
Me, I hope you’re doing well in your job and have been learning to maintain that stability you were after. How are your savings looking and what about your financial management skills? Lisa Nichols was saying making money is different from keeping it and growing it. Something like that but in essence it was that you need different skills for each part. Let me ask you this while we’re talking money, how are your hands? Have you been helping others? When was the last time you did something special for yourself?
Me, do you remember how you wanted to travel a bit? Have you? I know you’ve been putting a few things off because you were thinking it’d be better to go or do them with someone else. True, some trips and other things are more enjoyable with others than solo but please don’t deprive yourself of the chances and opportunities simply out of fear. You are brave, talented, beautiful and loved. Sure you’re different and you do silly things sometimes and shy away from certain opportunities but I know you have a good heart and you do make an effort.
I’m proud of you girl. I’m happy for who you are today as you reflect a bit on your life and who you have become when you next read this. Girl, you’ve known for a while that you’re special and was made for greatness. Lisa Nichols reminded you of that today. You are blessed. God has great plans for your life so stop second guessing yourself. Please remember to forgive yourself for each time you fail to be your true you, engaged in self-sabotage, do something stupid, or simply miss the mark. Remember it’s not so much about what others think of you but more about what you think of you, what God thinks of you. He has great thoughts about you. You’re not a mistake or a surprise to Him. You’re His special little girl.
Continue to pray and seek God and let Him lead you. Baby girl, trust the process. Don’t hide from your purpose. I know I don’t say it a lot because I still have to work on it, but baby girl, I love you, always have and always will. Take care of yourself. Enjoy the adventures of life. Don’t shy away because the road looks scary. Mistakes are fine so long as that’s what they were. Live a little, laugh a lot, learn the lessons, share the blessings, find your you.
Later Chile
Life as I know it, as I’ve known it, has been changing. I don’t yet understand it or know how much it will change or the version of me that will emerge. With every day that dawns I try to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. It’s the only way I know to walk so I keep walking. I know I’m not alone because I see the evidence of God being with me. I know in my heart that I can trust him never to leave me even for a minute.
As the snow on the ground around me melts, the young green leaves emerge on the still naked trees, and as little flowers shoot up from the soil that once covered them, I am reminded that there are lessons I can take away. Winter was the time to pause, be still and quiet so I could rest and get energy to become whole and new again. It was the time to learn more about me so that with the spring I could emerge true, reflecting more of my Father and who he created me to be. It was so I could be like beautiful flowers that give joy to others.
Truthfully though, winter saw me changing jobs and homes, hiding from the light then blinking somewhat uncomfortably in its dazzling brilliance. I know I was made for more but some days I think I’m taking an extra long route, delaying that specific goal or step to take me there. Sometimes I think I’m on the right path and well, other times, I just keep walking. Basically I’m not sure I made the best of my winter and now with spring finally here after the delay, I’m aware it will soon be time for summer. That is the season of tests. Fruits will need to be produced, the heavy rains withstood, droughts and scorching winds endured, and comments on the size and abundance of the fruits produced patiently taken.
But then, the long days of summer fade and the cool, overcast and gloomy autumn takes over. Sure the leaves are beautiful but it’s the season to remember to let go yet hold on. Let go of the things, attitudes and people who need to go. They, like the beautiful leaves, were never meant to stay. Yet hold on. Hold on to the truths of who you are and have become. Hold on to the dreams that fire your bones, the memories that have built you, and the faith and hope that you’re not alone because God is with you. So although the beautiful leaves fall off and are blown away, the roots hold strong and the branches display their beautiful emptiness, safely fighting on until the spring returns.
That’s why I know I’ll be fine. In a sense I’m a caterpillar now. I seem to have wings inside me but there’s a necessary process that is taking place. I may not understand it, but I’m trusting that I’m growing and that when the time is right, I’ll emerge true and pure. Processing.
Let’s talk life. 